As a parenting coach with over 15 years of experience, I’ve seen firsthand how critical it is for children to develop emotional strength. My clients, especially those with preteens and teenagers, often come to me seeking advice on how to nurture their child’s mental and emotional well-being.
I know from my own experience as a parent of four that raising emotionally resilient kids is no easy feat. When my 13-year-old son first entered his moody tween years, I’ll admit I was caught off guard. The days of him eagerly giving me hugs were replaced by eye rolls and mumbled responses. My once bubbly daughter became withdrawn and anxious about making new friends when she started middle school.
It’s perfectly normal for kids’ moods and behaviors to shift as they grow, but as parents we still need to instill key skills to help them thrive. Equipping our kids with emotional strength now will allow them to fully embrace life’s challenges in the future.
In this comprehensive guide, I’ll share the most important things parents can do to raise mentally tough, resilient children.
Teach Healthy Emotional Skills
A major component of resilience is having the ability to manage difficult emotions in a healthy way. Kids look to us to learn how to process sadness, anger, anxiety, and other feelings.
Here are some of the most essential emotional intelligence skills we should instill in our kids:
Validate their feelings. Never brush aside your child’s emotions by saying things like “don’t be afraid” or “there’s no reason to be sad.” This sends the message that they should suppress their feelings. Instead, let your child know it’s okay to feel whatever they’re feeling. Say things like “It makes sense you feel nervous about the first day of school. Many kids worry about that.”
Teach them to name emotions. Expand your child’s emotional vocabulary by regularly using feeling words in everyday conversations. For example, say things like “I’m feeling frustrated that my computer froze” or “I’m so delighted your aunt is visiting us this weekend!” This builds awareness and helps kids connect words to emotions.
Model healthy regulation. Show your child how you calm yourself down when angry or boost your mood when sad. Say things like “I’m starting to feel really irritated so I’m going to take five deep breaths to relax.” They’ll learn over time to develop their own regulation tools.
Talk through emotional situations. When your child is upset or experiencing strong emotions, gently explore with them what they’re feeling and what may have triggered those emotions. Help them understand how their feelings influence their behavior.
Praise emotional growth. Affirm your child’s developing emotional skills just as you would praise their academic achievements. For example, “I’m proud of you for staying so calm when your game piece broke.” This reinforces the value of mastering emotions.
Learning to handle feelings in a mature, composed manner takes a lot of time and practice. But laying this groundwork sets kids up to control their emotions, rather than letting emotions control them.
Foster Optimistic Thinking
The way we perceive challenges and setbacks has a huge impact on our mental strength. Kids who give up at the first sign of failure or who exaggerate the severity of problems have a harder time bouncing back from adversity.
As parents, we can shape our kids’ thinking patterns in a more constructive direction by teaching cognitive reframing skills. Here are some tips:
Identify exaggerated thoughts. When your child expresses extremely negative thoughts like “I’ll never make the basketball team” or “No one at school likes me,” gently point out that their thinking may be exaggerated. Explain that thoughts aren’t always completely true.
Offer alternative perspectives. Have your child think of evidence against the exaggerated thought or a more balanced perspective. For the “never make the basketball team” example, you could ask “Have you improved in basketball over the past year?” to highlight progress.
Practice positive self-talk. Work on developing go-to phrases your child can say to themselves when encountering setbacks or adversity. Things like “I’ve got this!” or “Keep going, you can do it.” Saying these types of things helps boost optimism and determination.
Share examples from your life. When you catch yourself thinking negatively, talk through how you reframe the thoughts. Your child will learn they can challenge their own unhelpful thinking patterns, too.
Focus on gratitude. Have family gratitude time where you share things you’re grateful for. This shifts attention to the good rather than dwelling on the bad. Starting a gratitude journal is another great idea.
With practice reframing exaggerated negatives into more realistic thoughts, kids develop the mental dexterity to see situations through a lens of constructive optimism.
Let Kids Solve Problems
When my 8-year-old daughter comes to me in tears because she had a friendship spat on the playground, my natural instinct is to swoop in and fix the situation. But I’ve learned that allowing kids to work through problems on their own leads to so much more growth.
Here are impactful ways we can guide kids to be active problem-solvers:
Ask questions to prompt reflection. Queries like “What could you do differently next time?” or “If you could handle that situation again, how would you approach it?” stimulate analytical thinking about the issue at hand.
Brainstorm options together. Don’t just tell your child the solution. Help them expand their thinking by asking “What are some ideas you can come up with to solve this problem?” List out all their ideas without judgement.
Let them try solutions out. Give your child space to implement their chosen solution independently. Offer support if needed but avoid taking over. Let them learn from how their solution pans out.
Discuss what went well or poorly. Chat with your child about how their attempted solution worked. What went well and what could be improved? Discuss other options for next time.
Reinforce problem-solving as a learning process. Praise your child for their effort and willingness to find solutions, even if the results weren’t perfect. Their problem-solving skills will get sharper over time.
By patiently talking kids through handling difficult situations, parents foster confidence and resilience. Your child will gain faith in their own ability to cope with whatever conundrum comes their way.
Teach Accountability
Personal responsibility is a cornerstone of mental strength. Kids who fail to take ownership for their actions struggle to control their environment and make positive change.
We can instill accountability in our kids by:
Not tolerating excuses. If your child blames others for their bad mood or poor choices, nip that in the bud. Calmly explain that no one makes us feel or behave a certain way – we choose how to act.
Letting them experience consequences. Don’t shelter your child from the outcomes of their actions. Within reason, let them experience the natural consequences, like getting a bad grade after neglecting to study. Facing results helps kids connect choices to outcomes.
Discussing impact on others. Talk with your child about how their behavior affects those around them. For example, “When you don’t control your temper, your little sister gets scared.” This builds empathy and consideration.
Apologizing when needed. If you make a mistake that negatively impacts your child, own up to it sincerely. Apologize and explain how you’ll avoid repeating this mistake. You model accountability when you take responsibility for your own actions.
Praising improved behavior. When you notice your child demonstrating accountability, point it out. Say things like, “I appreciate you admitting that you shouldn’t have said that to your friend. I know that was hard to own up to.”
By holding our kids responsible for their choices and actions, we empower them to take the reins in their lives. They’ll gain the motivational mentality that they, not others, are in control of their personal growth and direction.
Allow Your Child to Struggle
It’s natural as parents to want to protect our kids from discomfort, but experiencing struggle is how children build grit and perseverance.
Here are impactful ways we can let our kids struggle:
Let them solve peer conflicts on their own. When your child is having a disagreement with a friend, don’t jump in to mediate. Ask if they want advice, but encourage them to thoughtfully work it out with their friend.
Give them chores. Assigning daily and weekly chores around an appropriate age teaches kids to complete tasks even when it’s not entertaining. Start small and be consistent in enforcing chore expectations.
Don’t step in too fast when they’re frustrated. If your child is struggling to master a new skill, like riding a bike, don’t rush to help at the first signs of frustration. Allow them time to keep trying and gaining mastery through effort.
Allow them to make small mistakes. Let your child learn from mistakes like forgetting their homework or losing a prized possession. Discuss what they’ll do differently next time but don’t overly criticize. Mistakes help build responsibility.
Celebrate perseverance. Affirm when you see your child pushing themselves and persevering through a challenge. Say things like, “I really admire how you kept practicing that dance move until you got it!” This motivates ongoing persistence.
By allowing children to struggle through adversity in developmentally appropriate ways, we empower them to overcome obstacles and gain grit. Allowing appropriate struggle is how kids learn they are strong enough to persevere.
Maintain High – But Realistic – Expectations
The way we talk about success and failure with our kids significantly sways their mindsets. Having too high or too low expectations can negatively impact children’s motivation and self-esteem.
Here are some tips for striking the right balance:
Expect effort, not perfection. Make it clear that giving 100% effort is what you value most, not being the best. Celebrate occasions when they work hard at something, even if they don’t end up #1.
Praise progress. Notice and call out when you see your child making steady gains over time, like improving at memorizing math facts. Progress helps kids see their abilities as changeable rather than fixed.
Encourage practice. Position practice as the route to success – not innate talent. Remind your child that with repeated practice even the most difficult skills get easier.
Don’t criticize failure. If your child doesn’t master a new skill or makes a mistake on an assignment, don’t shame or reprimand. Talk through constructive takeaways for next time.
Allow change. If your child wants to quit an activity they are not excelling in or expressing much interest in, don’t force them to continue out of principle. Be flexible as their passions evolve.
The bottom line? Show your child you believe in their ability to succeed rather than demanding perfection. Embrace progress over time, not instant results. With this type of balanced perspective, kids gain the confidence to reach for their personal best.
Model Healthy Coping Yourself
Our children are always observing us. The way we handle stress, adversity, and difficult emotions serves as a daily model for our kids.
Here are some ideas for modeling mentally-strong coping:
Talk through handling stress. Discuss what you do to manage stressful situations in a healthy way, like taking time to exercise, calling a friend, or practicing breathing routines. Kids will mimic these stress management strategies.
Be modest. Don’t inflate your accomplishments or seek excessive praise. Likewise, balance setbacks with perspective and optimism. Kids often absorb their parents’ demeanor.
Apologize to your child when needed. When you make a mistake that impacts your child, own it sincerely. Express regret and explain how you will improve. This models accountability, humility, and growth.
Set boundaries on electronic devices. Limit your own recreational screen time and put devices away during family time. Children are more likely to follow rules they see parents willingly following, too.
Discuss your feelings. Don’t hide emotions from your kids. Express feelings in a calm, composed way. Talk through whattriggered them and how you plan to regulate yourself.
Kids have ultra-perceptive radars, picking up on our subtle emotional patterns and reactions. Our own habits surrounding mental health have a ripple effect on our children. Prioritizing self-care teaches kids the value of nurturing emotional wellness.
Help Kids Build Supportive Relationships
Human beings are wired for connection. Healthy friendships provide children with emotional support and a sense of belonging.
Some ways we can help our kids build meaningful relationships include:
Foster friendships. Schedule play dates, invite school friends over for activities, and plan joint outings with other families. The more opportunities for engagement, the stronger the friendship roots will grow.
Role model care and inclusion. Greet your child’s friends warmly when they visit and ask interested questions about their lives. Your kids absorb how you treat others.
Coach through peer conflict. Don’t ban kids if they have disagreements. Teach your child how to have difficult conversations, express feelings, listen to the other perspective, apologize if needed, compromise, and move forward in the friendship.
Keep criticism of friends to a minimum. Avoid saying negative things about your child’s friends unless absolutely necessary. Remind them that all friendships go through ups and downs.
Suggest joining a group. Enrolling your child in Scouts, a community service organization, student council, or a recreational team exposes them to potential new friendships based on shared interests.
Nurturing a strong social network provides kids with a web of support during the inevitable hard times, boosting their coping skills and resilience.
Take Care of Your Own Mental Health
Raising kids is intensely demanding. The pressure we put on ourselves to be perfect, superhuman parents is unrealistic and unhealthy. Carving out time daily to refuel is absolutely essential.
Here are some quick self-care habits I recommend parents build:
- Get moving. It could just be a walk around the neighborhood, following along with an exercise video, or doing yoga. Moving your body boosts your mood and reduces tension.
- Call a friend. Connect regularly with other adults to chat about topics other than your kids! Maintaining your own social outlets is vital.
- Read a book. Reading reduces stress and allows your mind to focus on something other than parenting for a bit. Try squeezing in at least a chapter a day.
- Take 5 deep breaths. When you notice anxiety creeping in, take a few moments to pause and breathe deeply. Deep breathing activates the relaxation response.
- Write in a journal. Jot thoughts swirling around in your head onto paper. This releases them from your mind so you can be fully present.
- Listen to music. Pop in your headphones and get lost in your favorite tunes. Music has a wonderfully uplifting effect on the mind and spirit.
When we nurture our own mental health as parents, we model crucial self-care skills for our kids. We can’t pour from an empty cup – caring for ourselves ultimately allows us to be the best parent possible.
Instilling Mental Strength Takes Time
Building our children’s emotional resilience and mental muscle is a long-term commitment requiring consistency, empathy, and patience. Some days your child will seem rock solid, proudly tackling difficulties with ease. Other days it may feel you’re back to square one as they melt down over minor frustrations.
Remember childhood is full of peaks and valleys. Stay consistent in teaching emotional intelligence and mental health habits. With time, love, and repetition, the skills will crystallize. Trust in your child’s inner strength.
May this guide provide you with hope and empowerment in your sacred work of raising children. It is a joyful – if demanding – privilege walking beside our kids as they blossom into their best selves.
